“The secret is to pretend the salt is sugar.” ( Season 2, Episode 5) Vee asks Suzanne for the skinny on who’s smuggling what into the prison, and finds out more than she needs to know about the commissary’s business practices - and about the horrors Suzanne inflicts upon her own face. “Chang, she got that Tiger Balm, but don’t put it on your lips. Our girl knows how to make her own fun, even when her heart hurts. Suzanne was speaking from years of painful experience when she offered drug kingpin Vee these words of comfort after Taystee gave her the brush-off. ‘Cause sometimes people just don’t wanna play with you, and that’s okay.” ( Season 2, Episode 3) But you gotta put your head down, keep on buffing those floors. ‘But Susanne, my heart hurts!’ And I hear you. And Suzanne won’t settle for anything less than all the spheres she can handle. She allows that she’d love to work with mentally ill kids, but that’s not the full dream career. When a career-counseling team comes to the Litch to offer the inmates advice on their post-prison job prospects, they didn’t count on Crazy Eyes. Yeah, round things are very pleasing to me.” ( Season 2, Episode 2) “I would also like to work with round objects. When Piper runs into her in the bathroom, mopping in the middle of the night, she accounts for her compulsive floor-shining habits by going full Zen. There’s probably no inmate happier to be on maintenance duty than Suzanne. You gotta start from the inside out, or else you’ll step on the clean.” ( Season 1, Episode 12) And the COs don’t care, ’cause they like things clean. And I like to clean things, pretend the dirt is the feelings, and this floor is my mind. “Sometimes the feelings inside me get messy like dirt. When Suzanne encounters Piper and her it’s-complicated lover, Alex, having a tense discussion about their messed-up past, her counsel is simple: Stop waffling and start complimenting her boobs. And that is a tip from me to you.” ( Season 1, Episode 11) “You know, if you were still my wife, I would tell you all the time how much I like your titties.
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